New Comments! New Friend Requests! New Picture Comments! New Messages!

Now I can die in peace.

Don’t act like reading those words on a computer monitor doesn’t all but make your day.

I’ve seen you passing through the UC Irvine Bookstore and casually stopping at the display computer to check for new comments. I’ve come out of the elevator on the fifth floor of the Science Library and caught you sitting there clicking “view more pics.” As embarrassing as it is to admit, we’ve all done it at some point.

MySpace is a phenomenon that has quickly become an important part of popular culture among America’s youth. Many of the 20 million members sign on every day to read about and browse pictures of total strangers, a pastime that was formerly known as “stalking.”

Like most people, I use the site to stay in touch with friends. I have a mere 114 of them on my list (laugh if you must), unlike the usual 500 plus that you may be used to seeing.

I have never personally had any ulterior motives to use MySpace, and that is why I was shocked to find that a number of my friends are listed as “Looking for a Serious Relationship” or “Interested in Dating.”

In my opinion, the terms “MySpace” and “serious relationship” are somewhat oxymoronic. The man of your dreams most likely doesn’t go by “Delicious Dean.”

I mean, is it just me, or is it somewhat difficult to assess a stranger’s motives by reading a short paragraph titled, “About Me,” and watching their favorite Lil’ Kim video play in the background?

Now, ladies, as many of you already know, I am here solely for your benefit. Whether you use MySpace to chat with friends, find men or just browse profiles (for hours every night when you should be studying), there are some easy ways to gauge the motives of the strangers you come across.

I have done countless hours of careful investigation and spent many late nights looking at Louis Vuitton backgrounds, listening to Hilary Duff songs and watching 15-year-olds sitting in Lamborghinis in order to reveal the facts about MySpace.

One thing that you should look for is online buddies who fill their Top 8 with adult film stars. Red flag. The guy obviously thinks that it makes him look like a Casanova, but what it really means is that the little pervert probably has to shave his palms weekly. Nobody knows the names of that many porn stars by chance.

And I know you’re asking: What if my new online buddy does something thoughtful like attach a picture in a comment saying: “Just showin’ some luv”?

In the event that this should happen, immediately delete both the comment and the person from your page. It will save you from future ridicule and embarrassment. Nobody with even the glimmer of a life has enough time on their hands to do something like this.

Some say that age is but a number. On MySpace, we see this concept taken to the extreme. In fact, just the other day I came across the page of my 17-year-old cousin who was messaging with a 20-year-old girl who thinks he’s 23.

Ladies, if your online buddy still has braces and/or acne, then his annual income of $150,000 is probably just a slight over-calculation.

And finally, nobody has over a thousand friends. People can stalk over a thousand members, but nobody actually has that many close acquaintances.

It is OK to deny friend requests. Just because the guy says he saw you at the club, it doesn’t mean that you owe him anything. How much of a stalker is he to come find you on MySpace? Because all you will do by adding him to your friend list is make yourself a victim of receiving messages like: “We should get together soon ;).”

An example of a myspace user, who has turned his friend requests into a cult of sorts is My Ricky Terror. He even has a Fan Site for him from one of his MySpace Friends: http://rickyTerrorfan.com

These, my divine beauties, are the things to look for while using MySpace. Have fun and browse with caution, but above all, go add me.